no need for narcissists

to prepare myself to write my "final paper" I will get my creative juices flowing here first...as it is my style to write narratives, I will illustrate an experience through that genre. Here goes...

I have been trying to reach this teacher to do my volunteer hours for class. He hasn't responded to my phone messages or e-mails so I start to become worried. I am running out of time, and I need to get my 25 hours in or my grade will suffer. I decide it might be harder for him to ignore me in person, so I drive over to the school, ask the secretary what class he's in, sign in, put my Visitor sticker on my sweater and walk down to his room.
As I come around the corner I see kids filing in, and some are leaving.
I see number 44, and I know I've found the right place.
As I walk into the room, I feel butterflies in my stomach and I worry that I am coming in at a bad time. I look around me and there are pictures and art projects taking up every square inch of the walls and counter space. It's loud and noisy and there is activity all around. The classroom is filled with mostly hispanic 5th graders and they have just entered, the day is beginning. They look at me curiously, and go about their business.
I walk up to the teacher and he seems to be looking at me sort of sideways, like who is this strange woman coming into my space uninvited. Or at least that's what I imigined he was thinking. He is tall, about 50 something, with glasses and a gruffy beard. Heavy set, arms folded.
"I'm sorry to bother you, my name is Star, I've left you a couple of messages?" He looks at me, not responding. Gulp, I'm not off to a great start...
"Remember, with the Power Play program- Health and nutrition- I'm a volunteer??"
"Oh, yes." He responds (finally). "I did the program last year."
"Great!" I claim. "It would be easy to get you going again this year, and I'm here to help in any way I can with the students." Is it possible for me to come every week to assist?" The kids are starting to get louder. I can tell he just wants to get rid of me.
"Send me an e-mail about it." He states.
"How about if I come in on Tuesday and we can try a lesson?" I counter.
"That would be fine. 9:35, they take recess at 11am." I knew that was my cue to hit the road. I got what I came for. A yes. Now, I could do my hours for my Philosophy class and not have to figure out another volunteer location. Who has time for that?
I glanced at the children, their faces inquisitive, eager, and humble. They scurried to their desks and got out their papers and books.
"Thank you." I say as I'm walking out. "I really appreciate it."
I would come to find out that this man is one of the kindest most generous teachers I have ever met. I only knew him for a short time, but he became a type of mentor to me- introducing me to other teachers, advocating the program to the principal. He tells me that I am welcome there anytime, and that when I do my student teaching to think of his school. He was not bothered by me in the least bit, in fact I helped him out a little. I could have taken his unresponsiveness as a no, but I persisted. Lesson number 1. Lesson number 2 = Appearances are deceiving. You should never assume as one knows what that does to a person (and me)...
They each started out as strangers to me, assignments if you will.
In the end, they were my students. My Tuesday and Thursday routine, that I came to enjoy and sincerely look forward to. Each and every one of these kids made an impression on me, their personality, what their parents served for dinner (which told a great deal more than just ingredients), and their innocent disposition. I tried my best to listen when they spoke, making eye contact, and giving them the respect and attention they deserved. My feelings were somewhat different in the beginning, as I wondered about their parents immigration status and viewed them as a race.
They were much more than that.
I will never forget the lessons they taught me of becoming less narcissistic and more present with people. "Undocumented" was quickly replaced by "Illegal" in my mind. Showing up as a requirement was what I started with, helping 26, 5th graders make better choices for health and nutrition- because I truly cared about their futures- was what I ended up with. Our hearts were all aligned and we each gave a small piece of ourselves in this "bigger picture."
That's how life is sometimes. Giving us pieces of enchantment, in some of the most ordinary tasks of our day...

People don't care enough!

I admire the teachers and all the staff that participate in helping make County Community School a better place. When I first arrived at County Community School, I thought why is Theresa doing this. The students there are so rude, and they don't care, but Theresa handles them pretty well. After being there a few times I saw what Theresa saw in them, and it was potential. They have the potential to do well, they just need that extra encouragement, and not many people give them that. This reminded me of a part in the book Cosmopolitanism, it spoke of how the News always talk about more "exciting" issues and does not emphasize enough on how much students at schools such as County Community need more attention. If they take two minutes to discuss this on the news every now and then, I believe that it will get to the people, and people will help. Most people aren't helping these schools because they are not there to see what kind of conditions these students are in. I, personally, never thought about helping students at a school such as County Community, but after being there and seeing how things were, I felt that I wanted to do more. If each and everyone give a helping hand, I know we can make a difference. Even though its just 2 hours a week, it can really change a person's life.

Unexpected outcome

I enrolled in this course wanting to complete a philosophy G.E. requirement. I did not expect to have a life changing experience from it, but to my surprise I did.
Before returning to school this fall, I visited the country,Vietnam, and saw how horrible the living conditions were. This made me want to participate in making their community a better place for them to live. I wanted to help change as many lives as possible, but felt that I am just one person, and one person cannot make a difference. Boy, was I wrong.
I started this Philosophy course and had to tutor for a total of 25 hours. I felt that it was a waste of time, but still, I had to do it. When I started to tutor the student, I felt as if I had to be there and I did not care too much of whether the student understood the subject or not. I immediately assumed that he did not care either, so why should I. After tutoring for a few weeks, I realized that I was making a difference. Even though it was not the kind that I expected or wanted, I was still helping in some way. How I perceived the student in the beginning was all wrong. He did care about graduating, and he did care about being a good role model. He just needed that extra push, and I gave that to him. I felt more attached,as Julia calls it, humanizing. I was humanizing him. Then I thought back to the book siddhartha. Siddhartha spoke of not being able to learn from other's teachings but rather to learn through experience. I would not have understood what it means to humanize a person and no matter how much someone would try to explain that, I would probably still not understand . A person is already human, so wouldnt it be contradictory to humanize a human being, so I thought. But this experience taught me what it means to humanize someone.

To be or not to be Enchanted…What a Dumb Question!

I cannot fathom the idea that some people do not ever feel enchanted by the world, much less experience daily enchantment. Today, I climbed to the top of one of the highest natural points in San Francisco, and looked down upon the city—the various neighborhoods, the unique architecture of every skyscraper, Golden Gate Park, the power lines and cell towers atop hills, the crimson towers of the Golden Gate bridge, the brilliant ocean and the expansive blue sky thinly painted with swirling clouds. Gazing out upon this vista, I could not help but feel a speechless sense of enchantment, “that energizing and unsettling sense of the great and incredible fact of existence” (Bennett 159). Today, I was awed by the power of music and amazed at how easily a bike can be balanced on two thin tires. I could have stayed all day in the Chinese restaurant I ate at just to watch others eating and interacting. I was inspired by the twisting and spiraling of tree trunks atop the hill I climbed, got to watch a golden retriever pant his way up the hill, and experienced the best moment of my day when a goofy man in a funny hat crossed through an intersection on his scooter. What I am trying to say is, the possibility of enchantment is everywhere, and all we must do is be open to experiencing it.
Perhaps it is fairly easy to find enchantment in a beautiful hilltop view of San Francisco and the Pacific Ocean, where one is distanced from life and sees a beautiful mask but cannot discern the disturbing details, but how do we discover enchantment when we return to the thick of society and daily face its ugly issues? Through my work at the needle exchange, I have discovered that it is not only possible to discover enchantment, but that the possibility for enchantment is just as great in places like these as it is anywhere else in society. I am working with the outcasts of society: drug users, ex-prisoners, people who cannot afford medical insurance, people who have Hepatitis C, HIV, and AIDS. My work involves waiting around for several hours, and every once in a while calculating some simple addition and putting some various sized needles into a brown paper bag. To anyone who hasn’t experienced it, this job seems depressing, mind-numbing, and the largest discourager of enchantment. Yet, I have met some of the most interesting people, and every time I work at the needle exchange, I have some experience, however small, that I have never had before. My interactions with the people who come to the needle exchange have led to many moments of enchantment, and I have realized that enchantment does not just occur in the presence of a pretty sunset or happy situation, but “enchantment does coexist with despair” (Bennett 159). “To be enchanted is, in the moment of its activation, to assent wholeheartedly to life—not to this or that particular condition or aspect of it but to the experience of living itself” (Bennett 160). Every human (and animal, organism, and object’s) life is interesting and beautiful in the sense that it has never been lived before, and thus every life is worthy of enchantment and wonder.
Enchantment is everywhere, and the simple realization of this fact is all it takes to cultivate an appreciation of life, others, and the world we live in. “The modern story of disenchantment leaves out important things, and it neglects crucial sources of ethical generosity in doing so. Without modes of enchantment, we might not have the energy and inspiration to enact ecological projects, or to contest ugly and unjust modes of commercialization, or to respond generously to humans and nonhumans that challenge our settled identities. These enchantments are already in and around us” (Bennett 174). Enchantment inspires me to continue my work at the needle exchange, even though I have already completed my required hours. The needle exchange is proof that we live in “a turbulent and unjust world,” but “the more aware of wonder one is—and the more one learns to cultivate it—the more one might be able to respond gracefully and generously to the painful challenges posed by our condition as finite [and imperfect] beings” (Bennett 160). Humans can no longer passively witness suffering and blame their non-action on the idea of a pointless and disenchanted world. Disenchantment is figment of the mind that can be easily cured, and we must instead cultivate wonder and a profound attachment to life that will inspire us to activate positive societal reform, no matter how small the scale.

Engaging Enchantment

I have never been able to agree with the modern worldview that the world is disenchanted and life is devoid of any meaning and purpose, but perhaps my love of life is a little excessive. I can find amazement in the simple act of brushing one’s teeth. I am not religious, I do not believe there is life after death, but I find the world we live in and the creative ability of human beings (and all other organisms) so beautiful that I am sometimes moved to tears of joy. I am no Pollyanna, and I am by no means bursting with joy all the time, but I firmly believe that beautiful details abound in the everyday, and if we take note of them, we will find “reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts” (as Rachel Carson once spoke).
“To be enchanted is to be struck and shaken by the extraordinary that lives among the familiar and the everyday” (Bennet 4). My work at the needle exchange is not difficult, and is many times boring and slow-going, but when someone comes in to exchange and we meet and converse, I am sometimes overcome with the simple joy of discovery and interaction that makes my work satisfying and worthwhile. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, a lady came in with her three-year-old some, and I watched him and played with him for a few minutes outside while his mother exchanged needles. While he was showing me his toy cars and demonstrating how they work, I suddenly experienced and inexplicable feeling of content. I felt confirmation that my work, however miniscule, was necessary and helpful to my life and to others.
In a disenchanted world, my work would remain meaningless, because the modern world is “a place of dearth and alienation” (Bennet 3). But these experiences of joy and love (for people who are essentially strangers) prove otherwise; our world is not completely disenchanted because joy provides meaning to life, and resultantly propels ethics. As Bennet points out, “joy enhances the prospect of ethical engagement,” and “one of the tasks proper to ethics is to ‘en-joy’ the world” (13).
Life is certainly not hunky-dory all of the time, but the moments and details of beauty and joy within it make the world not only worth living in, but worth striving to make better through our interactions with others. “I pursue a life with moments of enchantment rather than an enchanted way of life,” and I find moments of enchantment in my work at the Marin AIDS Project. If we work from the assumption that the world is disenchanted, we will most likely find that it is. Instead, we create our own reality, and there is no reason why we cannot live lives of significance, happiness, and ethical engagement. As Barry Green, author of The Inner Game of Music so perfectly said, “It is our state of consciousness, the way we perceive the world, that determines the kind of experiences we will have.”

A Little San Quentin Kindness

Early this Sunday morning I took the 70 bus into San Francisco for the day. As it happened, most of my fellow bus riders had just been released on parole from San Quentin, and were traveling back to wherever home was for each of them. If I had been in this situation at an earlier time in my life, I might have been a lot more nervous than I actually was. I would most likely have stereotyped the barely ex-inmates as dangerous untouchables and then tried to slump into a corner and disappear from notice. However, I am not now much more experienced and knowledgeable, and when one of the men asked to sit with me, I didn’t even hesitate when I said “yes.” We actually had a very interesting conversation: his girlfriend lives in Michigan, and his child was being christened that day. When my stop arrived, all the men in gray sweats thanked me for good conversation and wished me a wonderful day. Somehow I felt I should have been the one thanking them for talking to me.
Before I worked at the needle exchange, I thought IV drug users were all scary, dirty, despicable people whom I had no reason to associate with. Now, I see them simply as fellow human beings, as people I can learn from, as people seeking conversation and warmth, as people not unlike myself. “Conversation doesn’t have to lead to consensus about anything, especially values; it’s enough that it helps people get used to one another” (Appiah 85). After my conversations thus far with drug users that come to the needle exchange, the ignorant discomfort I used to feel around these people has disappeared.
We see any stranger through the lens of stereotypes and our immediate judgments, without having any clue as to the actual reality of the stranger. The only way we can overcome these boundaries of ignorance we build between ourselves and others is through conversation. Once we recognize “the commonality of simply being human, […] we can learn from one another, or we can simply be intrigued by alternative way of thinking, feeling, and acting” (Appiah 97). Once we engage in conversation, strangers become “particular strangers” and we can always find some commonality that grants us a feeling of shared identity (Appiah 98). Most of the San Quentin men were IV drug users, and we all spoke for a while about drugs (and how to use them safely). I do not personally use drugs, and I may not have agreed with the values of these men, but I felt familiar with the subjects we discussed, and thus walked away with a feeling of “warmth [from] shared identity” that put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. I completely agree with Appiah; conversations is the most effective and necessary method for reducing ignorance and enlarging understanding.

The Authentic Self in Society

Guignon, in describing Harry Frankfurt’s concept of the self, states that “[your identity] is determined by what you identify with: the life defining ideals and projects that make you who you are” (139). If this is the case, then my self is determined by what I stand for (or do not agree with) and by the projects and services I commit to. This service-learning commitment with Marin AIDS Project then may become a life-defining project (if it hasn’t become so already).
Authenticity and enlightenment regarding our identity cannot be achieved solely by retreating into ourselves and away from society, because human beings are social creatures. As Guignon describes Mikhail Bakhtin’s concept of the dialogical self, “The conclusion to draw from the dialogical nature of experience is that we experience the world through a ‘We’ before we experience it through an ‘I’…The dialogical conception of self has the advantage of making social interactions absolutely fundamental to our identity. It lets us see that being human is inextricably being part of a ‘We’” (121). If humans are inextricably part of a “We,” then it is my duty to humanity to interact with and provide aid to society. I feel I am accomplishing this duty (in however controversial a way) through my work with the Marin AIDS Project. I am working at the needle exchange, a program that offers aid to intravenous drug users. We provide clean needles in exchange for dirty ones, thereby reducing the risk and spread of diseases such as HIV and Hepatitis C.
Frankfurt claims that a full-blooded person has “freedom of the will,” whereas someone not fully human is termed a wanton. “A wanton is described as an individual who not only gives in to the pull of various cravings and whims that come over him, but furthermore does not care about what sort of will he has” (137). Of the drug users that I have worked with thus far at Marin AIDS Project, I would most likely describe them as wantons. They are all enslaved to an addiction, but do not have a strong enough desire to overcome their situation. However, I cannot ever assume such a general stereotype; there are always exceptional people who have come through the needle exchange but are now free of their drug addiction. After all, one person can never truly know another after any amount of time, so it is impossible to ever truly judge anyone. Rather, we interact with each other primarily to gain self insight and knowledge and to enrich our own journeys through life.

Reciprocity

Sometimes it feels like you go through life, doing whats right, without anyone noticing. Then, in the midst of it all, you get a pat on the back. Perhaps, for a moment, the heavens open and a divine light shines down on you to give you a break. Maybe, what I'm doing does matter. Maybe, these kids are actually learning about nutrition. From me. I received just such a nod from my community partner recently. It wasn't a lengthy discussion, but just a few key examples he gave. I was at a meeting with some other teachers at the school where I volunteer. I had coordinated a meeting through the principal, to discuss the Power Play campaign and opportunities for me to help in the classrooms. When my volunteer "boss" who has treated me in a kind of apathetic way, at best, showed up and took over the meeting I was thinking to myself, "Geez, I'm making her job a lot easier." As she tried to "be-labor" the point of her program, of which I will only be involved in a small portion of, the teachers seemed to direct their questions and comments to me. The teacher I'd been working with gave example after example of how engaged and interested the kids had been in my care. He talked about the games I've played with them and their desire to re-create them on the play yard. He said that I had made it easier for him to conduct his class as I had been taking groups out five students at a time- lightening his load. The other teachers perked up and wanted to be on board with this easier Tuesday morning class routine. This Veteran teacher was raving about the work I was doing, when all along I had thought maybe I was just getting in his way. To me, he seemed like a gruffy older guy who didn't have much time to be bothered, but somehow had been convinced otherwise...It clicked for me during this meeting, and I started to be worried that I didn't have enough hours to give to all these teachers. "Well," I said, "It doesn't have to be only 25 hours..." Who just said that? My goodness that came from me. I smiled inwardly at the recognition I received and the knowledge that little 'ole me actually was making a difference. Did I note a tinge of envy in the salaried woman's disposition? Possibly. I started thinking about a future in this line of work. After all, I was helping families get healthier, essentially prolonging their life. For now, I will do my part, as best I can, with the time I have. For the future, I will pay attention to how important it is to be a positive influence in my community. Maybe the positive influence rubs off on more than the receiver.

Putting on a New Pair of Spectacles...

In serving in the kitchen at St. Vincent de Paul’s in San Rafael, I am constantly reminded of the conditions people living in poverty are constrained to on a daily basis, and the further I become involved in serving in the community there, the more I am unable to dismiss their struggle. Early on Thursday mornings when I come into the dining hall, I see diners stooped over bowls of breakfast food, some unwilling to look up, while others peer at me curiously—possibly wondering why I am there. I head to the back of the dining hall towards the kitchen, where I see Luis (who, by his example, teaches me everyday I am in the kitchen how to be patient and full of graciousness), Eddy, and Jin and his two friends from Korea whose smiles radiate kindness, even as they work behind the counter preparing sandwiches.
It is such a blessing to me to be able to get up early to go and work in the kitchen on Thursday mornings. For some reason, it seems as though Thursdays are sweeter because of it, and I find myself thinking of how much I have to be thankful for—how rich I truly am with all the blessings of sweet friendships in my life, the ability to work towards an education at DU, while remembering and appreciating the little things like sunny, sparkling mornings and the gift of eyes to be able to take in this beauty with a free heart at rest and at peace.
I find that in working in the community my perspective on life is broadened, as I find myself not simply thinking about the things that concern only my life, but the lives of others as well, and especially noticing how much I take for granted. Working in the community enables those who serve to think in terms of a larger picture, as many times those (myself included) who are involved primarily in pursuing a career at school focus predominantly on the goal of attaining a degree. In addition, serving in the community builds wonderful relationships with people from many different backgrounds. It is not limited to a cross-section of people with the same goal of education, but it includes people who are there for many different reasons, with a diverse scope of backgrounds.
I conclude, then, by wholeheartedly echoing Gandhi’s statement: “I cannot imagine anything nobler or more national than that for, say, one hour in the day we should all do the labor the poor must do, and thus identify ourselves with them and through them, with all mankind. I cannot imagine better worship of God than that in His name I should labor for the poor even as they do” (Fischer 193). Only when we are sincerely willing to live like those we wish to serve are we able to create lasting change.

Understanding Buber in the context of Service-Learning

Through my understanding of the text of I and Thou, written by Marin Buber, I interpret his understanding of Thou to mean God, and the combination of I-Thou to mean man’s relation with God. Buber writes, “The Thou meets me through grace—it is not found by seeking. But my speaking of the primary word to it is an act of my being, is indeed the act of my being. The Thou meets me. But I step into direct relation with it. Hence the relation means being chosen and choosing, suffering and action in one…” (11). Later in his book, Buber writes that the Thou is in everything and is, in fact, everything. It is interesting that in each one of us is a desire to be found by the Thou, and that we should seek to find the Thou when it should be so apparent to us (being that it surrounds us and is the reason all things hold together). This further prompts me to question what it is that keeps us from seeing the Thou clearly. Buber seems to emphasize that if one is to find the Thou, it will not be in seeking to define it, but rather it will be met by us through grace. We do nothing to attain this knowledge of the Thou by our own willpower to find it, which is uniquely humbling.
In addition, this knowledge of the Thou serves to free us and give us a perspective on life that is reality. It is significant that the relation that is formed between I and Thou is one created by choice. We are met with the Thou at some point (“all men have somewhere been aware of the Thou; now the spirit gives them full assurance” Buber 53), but we must enable our will to choose to step into direct relationship with it, which includes becoming very vulnerable, and allowing oneself to be totally absorbed into the Thou. This action to choose becomes the basis for all consecutive decisions we must make in life—whether they become connected with the Thou, or whether the Thou remains distanced from us. The act of choosing is significant, because without this gift of being able to choose, we emulate robots carrying out a set course of instructions, and this format by no means can become relational.
It seems as though by being in communion with the Thou, one is given the freedom to think beyond oneself, and to therefore think in terms of one’s relation to the world as being a part of it, rather than distancing oneself from it and creating an individual identity. In this way, one is able to interact with others effectively…
Often the most effective and life-changing service learning is done by those who, apart from a sense of duty, find that they are called into relation with others because of their relation to the Thou. It is because of this relation, Buber suggests, that all other relations to the world are put in perspective. Buber muses, “Structures of man’s communal life draw their living quality from the riches of the power to enter into relation, which penetrates their various parts, and obtain their bodily form from the binding up of this power in the spirit” (49). By choosing to step into this relation, we gain the reality of life, the perspective we can base all other relations besides, and the motivation to continue in faith what we alone could never have started ourselves.

Teen Moms Program

I aspire to integrate service into my everyday life, to connect myself to the surrounding community, world, and universe. The richness of varying cultures, diverse societies, varying lifestyles, and religious choices inspires me to reach out in order to experience the world. Currently I am exploring and learning through a developing project regarding teen pregnancy. I admire Eleanor Roosevelt who was able to motivate, empower, and promote drastic change. Reading about influential women, such as Eleanor Roosevelt was stimulating because I started to envision the changes I desire to commence in the world. However, these feelings have been accompanied by doubt and the fear of not being able to succeed, or the fear of being ridiculed for striving towards the impossible. Nevertheless, I am finally confident that I am working towards a personal mission that could continuously aid the surrounding community and hopefully contribute to the universe as a whole.
Working with pregnant teens has become a personal issue to me because I have experienced the challenges students, teenagers, and young parents are confronted with in their cultural settings, regardless of their physical location in this world. These adolescent parents are not only dealing with financial hardships and difficulty continuing their education, but with criticism from their parents and judgments from their society and peers as well.
In my perspective the Thou will be reached through service to others. One can fend for themselves, but must aid their surrounding community in doing so. Through my work at County and Community it has become apparent to me that the small but intricate steps will take me further in my work than any large blurred advancements. I have learned to keep a flowing consistency with my service, which allows me to continually reflect upon my ending goal of community betterment. I strive to improve the lives of my peers worldwide; through lowering teen pregnancy rates, ending the STDS epidemic, providing essential resources, and calling teens to pose personal protests in order to advance in careers and higher learning opportunities. It is through these goals that I am able to better communicate with the Thou. This is how my dialogue becomes clear, how my love remains strong, and how my faith and hope transcend internationally.

What I Learned From My Service Experience

My overall experience at Davidson Middle School has changed me into a better person. It’s naturally hard for people to admit that there are things in their lives that need to be changed; or there are qualities they have that they fail to recognize. Doing my service work at DMS helped me to see both. There were parts of my personality that needed to be changed and developed further. There were skills and talents that I had that I never used before and sometimes thought were useless. From my work there I have learned not only to be more caring of the students that I was teaching, but everyone in general. It’s hard for us to see past our own noses and out of our own situations, but it’s important to recognize that there are people out there who need help and it may up to us to help them. I recall that there have been a number of times where I have berated students for being blatantly disrespectful to their peers as well as to me. Sometimes that only made the situation worse. It was not until I took the time to sit down with the student and talk things out did I discover what the real problem was. From my experiences, one of the most important lessons I learned was that anger only begets more problems. I recognize that there is a need for discipline, but it is the tone and manner of that discipline which matters most.

It took me awhile to realize it, but I took a lot from my service work, I took a lot from the students. I realized that putting your soul into your work does make an impact. I realized that it is possible for one person to make a difference, no matter how big or small it may seem. I realized that I was a real mentor to my students, my presence and help changed them significantly. Another important lesson that I took from them was that you should never give up. There were times when it was difficult for me to make a change in just one student, but I never gave up. Eventually, it paid off and I was able to make changes in many students. Before my experience I knew perseverance was, but I never knew how deeply it could run and how it could affect not just you, but people around you as well. I definitely feel as if I have changed from my service experience and I regret that I have to leave it because I am going home soon. I just hope that I am given the opportunity to do similar work this summer because I have gained new insights and experiences that I will never forget.

Beginning of Happiness

"Why are we here? What is the purpose of life? Is it enough just to be happy? Is my life serving some greater purpose? Are we here to help others or just ourselves?" (Baggini, 2004, 1). Although the meaning of life is personal, to me I have found a piece of it through my service. We are here to help each other - we are all alike, we seek companionship, human touch, happiness and love "love is the most powerful motivator to do anything at all" (Baggini, 2004 188). Through unconditional love of all man kind, we find love and happiness within ourselves. "The beginning of our happiness lies in the understanding that life without wonder is not living" (Schneider, 2004, 163).

One of my favorite quotes of the semester was "If I do not always know what it is in another person that I have lost, it may be that this sphere of dispossession in precisely the one that exposes my unknowingness, the unconscious imprint of my primary sociality" (Butler, 2004, 28). However, because of Ben at the VA I found the purpose of my service-learning - to see his eyes and happiness made it all come together.

So as I re-read this quote I thought - I do not always know what is IN another person the I may GAIN! That day that Ben changed my entire service experience, I have been completely different and now seek out patients who could use a visitor.

Finding Compromises in Education without Compromising the Self

Today was my last day teaching at Davidson Middle School for Americorps. Because of STAR testing, the program has been cancelled for two weeks to give the students a break; then after the two weeks I will be graduating and returning home. While the other tutors will return to teach, I will be home…..I can say that I am glad for the change because it just means that I able to grow and learn from my experiences at DMS. However, I am truly sad to be leaving my students.

It was especially sad on today because all of my students kept hugging me and giving me cards they made to show their appreciation for me before I left. They even complimented me on everything that I did and everything I have done for them. One student told me that she tried especially hard on her last math exam to make me proud. I was very touched. It sounds kind of corny, but it was one of the sweetest things that anyone has ever done in my honor. I feel like I have really made an impact. Well, at least I thought I did.

The students told me that after I leave, they are not going to try any more. They aren’t going to try and behave or try and do their best because they feel like they can’t do it without me. They told me that they felt a bit disenchanted because they do not like the other tutor I work with and they cannot relate to her like they do to me. I guess in my zeal to do everything I could for the students, I didn’t realize how extreme this issue was. I always thought it was a petty rivalry between the tutor and the students; however, it was so extreme that today the students went out of their way to make her feel unwelcome and unappreciated. At the end of the day, she turned to me and said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t think I can come back. I feel like never coming back here again.”

This shocked me because I always thought of her as the tutor who couldn’t be cracked. I always thought of her as that educator who didn’t care what the kids threw at her, she just came right back. But it just went to show me that everyone has a limit. No matter how hard we try to educate and help and support, we can only be rejected so many times before we feel like we can’t make a change, that we aren’t appreciated. I never realized how damaging this could be until we had this conversation. Then I thought, what would it be like if everyone just gave up? If every educator was ignored and yelled at and disrespected and decided to be done with it? What would happen if they decided, “To hell with it,” picked up their stuff and left? What would our kids learn then…..They would learn defeat and lack of determination. They would learn how easy it is to give up. These are the easiest lessons to learn and yet some of the most damaging.

I guess it’s easy for me to say this because I am not in her position, but I think it takes a truly determined person to take all the attitude and obstacles that are thrown at them and continue to come back day after day. But it also takes a will to connect no matter what. As educators, I think it’s hard to find that middle ground because we are afraid that we might cross the line where we become too much of a friend who is able to connect on so many different levels, but loses control of authority; or we may become too much of an authoritarian figure and never know the best way to relate to our students. It’s hard for me to admit, but I think I am in the former category. I am just glad that I am able to take so much more from this service project that was originally intended.

Getting Ready to Leave

As the school year winds down, I have to prepare to leave my service learning site. This past Friday, I went to Davidson and my students and the other tutor I work with thought it was my last day. Our schedule for the day went on as usual, but at the end of the day they had a surprise for me. One of the students made a speech on behalf of the entire class on all the help I have given them and what I mean to them. They gave me a card that everyone had signed and wrote notes on. Then they gave me a bouquet of flowers. It was really touching and I had a hard time trying not to cry when I thanked them. It was at that moment that I realized how much we all meant to each other. There was something stronger than the student-teacher relationship we had developed at the beginning of the school year. We all learned to help one another and to be friends to one another.

I have to face that fact that my time doing my service learning project at Davidson is almost over. And I am very sad to be leaving. I cherish the time that I am working there because I finally realize how much of a difference I am making. And I realize how much more of a difference I could make. For me to leave, I feel as if I am stopping the process of making a change, I am not making as much of an impact as I could. I almost feel as if I didn’t finish the goals I set out to accomplish. I know that I have made changes, but I would feel so much better if I was able to see it to the end. I only hope that what I have done stays with them throughout this year and those afterwards.

From my experiences at Davidson, I hope that I am able to take what I have gained to another service learning site as well.

Thoughtless and Meaningless… or not.

During my eight weeks of service at Ireuse, I often thought how lucky I was with the work I was doing. Not that it was the best thing ever, and not that I wouldn't have preferred to be paid for doing basically the same thing my salaried co-workers were doing, but I had a variety of work to do, something different each week, and what I was doing mattered. Ireuse is a new and growing company, and with just half a dozen employees there they had plenty for me to do, and I wasn't just a cog in some vast (rat) wheel. The projects they assigned me were things that they really needed to get done, and my work was immediately used in the business.

Reflecting on this during my last day there, my coworkers talked about their own internships in years past, with varying degrees of nostalgia. One woman had worked for a small PR firm and had enjoyed it since she got to work on everything. In contrast to her happy experience, a male employee remembered his internship as long hours sitting bored behind an information desk in San Francisco City Hall, doing nothing of any use.

With this fresh in my memory, I noticed a section in Whistleblowers that correlated. On page 117, Alford talks about thoughtlessness, and quotes one non-whistleblower defending an illegal activity in typical fashion. "...we might as well do it, because if we don't the company will find someone else who will." While it's probably true, this "logic" can be used to defend almost anything, up to and including the inevitable, Godwin's Law-triggering, Nazi concentration camp guard. The imaginary excuse goes something like, "If I hadn't shot the prisoner, my commander would have shot me and the prisoner. Why should I die when my death won't change anything?"

This same reasoning applies to whistleblowers too, and the fact that it's logically sound is the tricky part. That's why they call it "ethics," I suppose.

Nothing in my service work approached this level, of course, but the principle was similar. Alford stresses that thoughtlessness comes from a feeling that one's self or one's work is entirely replaceable, which leads to disassociation, commonly expressed in the popular, "Whatever." sentiment. Working at Ireuse, I knew I wasn't doing anything life-saving, but I wasn't just keeping a seat warm, either, and the feeling of being part of a team, and the intellectual stimulation of my tasks, made my time there pass far more quickly and enjoyably.

No more service?!?!

At the beginning of March I was hit with some very heavy news: I might not graduate because I had so much work to do on my thesis. I didn’t know if this was the 100% truth or if my research mentor was just telling me this to scare the bejesus out of me. Either way I was shocked to my core. She then asked me about my schedule. So I did the run down…12 credits, tutoring on campus, and service project at Davidson middle 5 days a week. That almost knocked her out of her seat. For some reason she heard 5 days a week and assumed I was locked in human servitude. I tried to convince her that my service at Davidson was the not the problem in getting started on my thesis (rather a lack of motivation), but she refused to hear it. In her opinion I had to quit, not just one or two days but ALL FIVE DAYS!

I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t bear to think about leaving Davidson. I wasn’t fazed by the fact that there was no regard for my service work and how it was also tied to my class work. I was just blown away by the simplest possibility that I had to leave. Until that moment I never realized how important my service there meant to me. I go there not because of a class requirement; if that was the case I wouldn’t show up five days a week. I go there because the kids in the afterschool program mean a lot to me. It means so much to them to have a consistent role model, someone they can bring their problems to, believe in and trust. I go there because I want to make a difference and I can see the changes I have already made. When my mentor told me to leave, I felt like someone had ripped out my spirit.

During the month, I missed a lot of time at Davidson because I was trying to appease my mentor in addition to going on graduate interviews. I finally returned four days ago and was in for a shock. A significant portion of the kids were disenchanted and a few had quit the program. I was sufficiently floored. I don’t credit my students’ progress to just myself, but a lot of them rely on me. For me not to be there for a month was a crime. That was it for me. I realized that I needed to be there.

I realize that I do need to spend time working on my thesis, but I need and want to be at DMS as well. I think it is important for us to realize that we are integral parts in the service projects we are working on. We may think that what we do may not have an impact, that our work doesn’t matter. But all you have to do is step back for a minute (or a month) and see what happens. You’ll be surprised what a difference a person can make. If you acknowledge it, it will only help you to further accomplish your goals. If you refuse to recognize it, then the opportunity to make a positive change will pass you by. Needless to say I am still doing my service work at Davidson Middle School – 3 days a week.

Collective Responsibility.

Responsibility is collective, therefore, I don’t agree with the individualist spin put in by Arendt. Should someone pay or be punished because of the actions of others? I think so, not because that person should pay but because in reality we all pay for the actions of others. Should a son be punished for his fathers mistakes? Surely not, but doesn't the son of an irresponsible father lack what the son of a responsible father has in abundance, so a son always pays or receives blessings from their parents. For better or worse, we are responsible for the "communities" we live in.

I dislike Arendt's comments on Individualism and guilt, she condemns the guilt felt by the descendants of white slave owners, that's not right. There are things that a person can't control and yet we are still responsible for cleaning up the mess others left behind.
The problem with white slave owners is that slavery didn't die when slavery ended
If I was white, how could I not feel shame when recalling the cruel actions of my grandfathers. If I was black how could I not feel anger towards slavery knowing that my flesh and blood were treated worse than caged animals. Guilt is a good things, at least it shows shame and hopefully repentance. At least guilt acknowledges the action.

Communities and actions simply transcend individuals and their life. So even after slavery ended, a slave-like world continued. We are responsible for the world we live in, therefore, we have a “collective responsibility” to all human action. I am responsible for my fathers actions, because my fathers actions affect me and the world I live in.

There's a human community and all humans are inter-related in this web which affects all. We might not dump toxic waste barrels into the oceans, but we eat the fish. You could speak of the individual freedom all you want, but there are communities and connections that exist beyond the individual.

I am providing my community service at Youth Court in San Rafael, and youth court is not to be blamed for the delinquent youth that they try to help, but its our responsibility to guide the young.

Sometimes i walk into youth court and feel like I'm babysitting but i kinda wish some of the friends i grew up with would have received the chance to go trough a program like Youth Court.
I really think that we all pay for not educating the next generation, because you can give a person the freedom to fuck up, but no one wants to see themselves in that position.

Society and Common Sense according to Arendt

“The Socratic-Platonic description of the process of thinking seems to me so important because it implies, albeit only in passing, the fact that men exist in the plural and not in the singular, that men and not Man inhabit the earth” (Arendt 96). After reading this, I was reminded of a similar quote that we discussed about whether there is a society or not. I think that this is more along the lines of what I tend to agree with. It is important for individuals to realize that we are a society of many people; there is not one person who is more important than any other is. I think that this idea could and should be integrated with classroom rules. It is important for the fifth graders I work with to be able to work with each other and teachers, especially since this is their last year at an elementary school.

Teachers and other adults call for common sense in these young adolescents. I found it interesting to read that, according to Kant, common sense is not an individual sense, but rather takes into account the thoughts of the rest of the community. “Common sense … can think … in the place of everybody else, so that when somebody makes the judgment … he claims assent from others because in judging he has already taken them into account and hence hopes that his judgments will carry a certain general, though perhaps not universal, validity” (Arendt 140). I found it interesting to look at common sense as a sense of the community as I thought of it as an individual sense. However, after reading the pages concerning Arendt’s and Kant’s I understand how individuals must look to the community to see what is right in the eyes of peers. Now I want to try to look more closely at this aspect of behaviors from the kids who I work with.

Arendt, Hannah. Responsibility and Judgment. Ed. Jerome Kohn. New York: Schocken, 2003.

Hannah Arendt's Responsibility & Judgment

In this blog, I will try to relate my two service experiences to two quotes from Hannah Arendt’s book, “Responsibility and Judgment”. I will start off with my service at the Marin Youth Center teaching youth the art of “bboying” aka break dance. In her book the author states, “I tried to show that our decisions about right and wrong will depend upon our choice of company, of those with whom we wish to spend our lives” (145-146). This quote is very true and manifests in the decisions made by the kids that I work with. A lot of them seem a little rough around the edges at times but it differs depending on the different groups of kids. Some of them choose to be wild and run around, so they never really listen when told to stop. Others, however, choose to hang out with the more quiet kids in the computer lab and do not seem to cause much trouble or noise. Then there are those that choose to learn to break dance who I have seen make smart decisions outside of the center. Break dancing teaches them perseverance, confidence, and creativity. I have been told that it helps them to participate and not be shy at school and to not be afraid of learning and discovering new things. Thus, it is evident that like Arendt’s quote, these kids decision are influenced by the company and people they hang out with.

Hannah Arendt writes in the chapter "Collective Responsibility," that "we can escape this political and strictly collective responsibility only by leaving the community, and since no man can live without belonging to some community, this would simply mean to exchange one community for another and hence one kind of responsibility for another" (150). In helping at the Marin Aids Project, I have felt a new sense of “community” with the agency. I am now part of a group/collective who endeavor to educate people on the facts of HIV/Aids and prevention techniques as well as how to deal with being positive. Although I do not actually counsel people or interact a lot with them, I do my part by helping the administration and making their job more efficient. My effort and responsibilities are all part of a big effort to help the community of Marin.

Responsibility and Judgment Blog Posting

In John Locke’s Second Treatises of Government, when the state ceases to function for the people, then it may be replaced by the people. When the executive ignores its duties, society turns to chaos and people are free to reform in order to re-create a civil state that works in their best interest before they fall under tyrannical rule. People may leave a government not necessarily to cause rebellion, but just to avoid collective responsibility. People who avoid collective responsibility, may do it because they want to avoid for instance, the decision making process of who gets to judge executive and legislative acts. According to Aristotle, the community exists so that people can have a good life. Anyone who lives outside the community are not self-sufficient, because they need it to maintain themselves morally in order to know what is the right way to live.

We can escape this political and strictly collective responsibility only by leaving the community, and since no man can live without belonging to some community, this would simply mean to exchange one community for another and hence one kind of responsibility for another. (Arendt 150)

Volunteering at Marin Aids Project has been rewarding because I know that my time and talents are being used to encourage the development of others in the agency. As a receptionist and by helping others with computer assistance, I’m learning how the community works and the difference even a small level of help can make. I know that by being there at Marin Aids Project that I’m making our community a better place to live. According to Aristotle, the good that you do for the community, you also do for yourself. I agree with him because no one can avoid living without the community, and its difficult to do so. With that in mind, what I’ve learned at Marin Aids, is that we can come to an understanding of moral excellence in any community that we are a part of.

Arendt, Hannah. Responsibility and Judgment. Random House, Inc. 2005

AH! Buber!

This semester I haven't been able to work with a certain organization or group. Instead, I'll be working on the Focus Group Initiative. Yet, in class while listening to people connect the coursework with their service, I can't help but feel like I'm missing out. I also feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, which made me wonder - Do I have to work for a particular community organization in order to apply what I've learned? But, how would this be service learning? Then, before I could really freak out, I answered my own question.
After spending a week or so on Buber's I And Thou, I needed to relax. So, I went to the gym to blow off some steam and get my mind off of school. But, as I was on the stationary bike, minding my own business - AH! Buber! He managed to pop into my brain.
I was watching these two girls on their treadmills. They were on the heavy side. And, I thought, maybe they're trying to loose some weight, good for them. Since I was day-dreaming, my mind floated from several different topics related to this one. Some how I arrived at the idea of how one shouldn't make fun of people who are overweight. Why? Because one day you could be overweight or someone you love is or will be too and one should treat others the way they want to be treated. That's when (AH!) Buber came into my head.
Wait, I thought. This is still connected to me because I'm only concerned with other people's feelings, overweight people in this case, so long as it has to do with me or those that concern me. Me. I. But, what about them? Shouldn't I just care about other people for their own sake, not as being connected to my "I," but for their "You" - for who they are? Poof, for about thirty seconds I felt as if I knew what Buber's I-Thou was all about. So, I guess I don't have to be knee-deep in service to feel the coursework come to life. (Maybe I should have read Buber in the gym...)

Forgotten Education

Returning back to Davidson after the winter break has made me realize that I may have a flaw in my service learning project. After focusing on teaching the students teambuilding and the importance of respect for one another, individuality and culture I think I may have missed the mark. I can see that there is a strong interest in learning about other cultures and ethnicities, but the most important subject – EDUCATION – does not interest them as much as it should. Many of them feel like they can do without education, that earning just the right amount of F’s and B’s will earn them a passing grade in their classes. Some don’t care about school; others care, but do not have enough motivation. With the second half of the year rapidly coming to a close, I feel as if I set myself up for failure and may not have enough time to make them realize how important is to take this free education and use it to their advantage.

Every time I step into the classroom I think of Jaime Escalante (“Stand and Deliver”), Ron Clark (“The Ron Clark Story”), Erin Gruwell (“Freedom Writers”) and countless other fiction and non-fiction teachers turned hero. I think of how easy the movies made it seem they could spark interest in their students and connect with them. Is that real?? Can that really happen? I think of how hard it was for me to even get a handful of these students to open up; maybe I should have taken them out to dinner like Michelle Pfeiffer’s character did in “Dangerous Minds.” It all seems so surreal to think that there is a problem motivating students to realize the importance of education that it is so difficult, yet there are so many movies and books that may it seem so easy. Where is the truth in all of this? What is the solution to the problem?