Today was my last day teaching at Davidson Middle School for Americorps. Because of STAR testing, the program has been cancelled for two weeks to give the students a break; then after the two weeks I will be graduating and returning home. While the other tutors will return to teach, I will be home…..I can say that I am glad for the change because it just means that I able to grow and learn from my experiences at DMS. However, I am truly sad to be leaving my students.
It was especially sad on today because all of my students kept hugging me and giving me cards they made to show their appreciation for me before I left. They even complimented me on everything that I did and everything I have done for them. One student told me that she tried especially hard on her last math exam to make me proud. I was very touched. It sounds kind of corny, but it was one of the sweetest things that anyone has ever done in my honor. I feel like I have really made an impact. Well, at least I thought I did.
The students told me that after I leave, they are not going to try any more. They aren’t going to try and behave or try and do their best because they feel like they can’t do it without me. They told me that they felt a bit disenchanted because they do not like the other tutor I work with and they cannot relate to her like they do to me. I guess in my zeal to do everything I could for the students, I didn’t realize how extreme this issue was. I always thought it was a petty rivalry between the tutor and the students; however, it was so extreme that today the students went out of their way to make her feel unwelcome and unappreciated. At the end of the day, she turned to me and said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t think I can come back. I feel like never coming back here again.”
This shocked me because I always thought of her as the tutor who couldn’t be cracked. I always thought of her as that educator who didn’t care what the kids threw at her, she just came right back. But it just went to show me that everyone has a limit. No matter how hard we try to educate and help and support, we can only be rejected so many times before we feel like we can’t make a change, that we aren’t appreciated. I never realized how damaging this could be until we had this conversation. Then I thought, what would it be like if everyone just gave up? If every educator was ignored and yelled at and disrespected and decided to be done with it? What would happen if they decided, “To hell with it,” picked up their stuff and left? What would our kids learn then…..They would learn defeat and lack of determination. They would learn how easy it is to give up. These are the easiest lessons to learn and yet some of the most damaging.
I guess it’s easy for me to say this because I am not in her position, but I think it takes a truly determined person to take all the attitude and obstacles that are thrown at them and continue to come back day after day. But it also takes a will to connect no matter what. As educators, I think it’s hard to find that middle ground because we are afraid that we might cross the line where we become too much of a friend who is able to connect on so many different levels, but loses control of authority; or we may become too much of an authoritarian figure and never know the best way to relate to our students. It’s hard for me to admit, but I think I am in the former category. I am just glad that I am able to take so much more from this service project that was originally intended.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Getting Ready to Leave
As the school year winds down, I have to prepare to leave my service learning site. This past Friday, I went to Davidson and my students and the other tutor I work with thought it was my last day. Our schedule for the day went on as usual, but at the end of the day they had a surprise for me. One of the students made a speech on behalf of the entire class on all the help I have given them and what I mean to them. They gave me a card that everyone had signed and wrote notes on. Then they gave me a bouquet of flowers. It was really touching and I had a hard time trying not to cry when I thanked them. It was at that moment that I realized how much we all meant to each other. There was something stronger than the student-teacher relationship we had developed at the beginning of the school year. We all learned to help one another and to be friends to one another.
I have to face that fact that my time doing my service learning project at Davidson is almost over. And I am very sad to be leaving. I cherish the time that I am working there because I finally realize how much of a difference I am making. And I realize how much more of a difference I could make. For me to leave, I feel as if I am stopping the process of making a change, I am not making as much of an impact as I could. I almost feel as if I didn’t finish the goals I set out to accomplish. I know that I have made changes, but I would feel so much better if I was able to see it to the end. I only hope that what I have done stays with them throughout this year and those afterwards.
From my experiences at Davidson, I hope that I am able to take what I have gained to another service learning site as well.
I have to face that fact that my time doing my service learning project at Davidson is almost over. And I am very sad to be leaving. I cherish the time that I am working there because I finally realize how much of a difference I am making. And I realize how much more of a difference I could make. For me to leave, I feel as if I am stopping the process of making a change, I am not making as much of an impact as I could. I almost feel as if I didn’t finish the goals I set out to accomplish. I know that I have made changes, but I would feel so much better if I was able to see it to the end. I only hope that what I have done stays with them throughout this year and those afterwards.
From my experiences at Davidson, I hope that I am able to take what I have gained to another service learning site as well.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Thoughtless and Meaningless… or not.
During my eight weeks of service at Ireuse, I often thought how lucky I was with the work I was doing. Not that it was the best thing ever, and not that I wouldn't have preferred to be paid for doing basically the same thing my salaried co-workers were doing, but I had a variety of work to do, something different each week, and what I was doing mattered. Ireuse is a new and growing company, and with just half a dozen employees there they had plenty for me to do, and I wasn't just a cog in some vast (rat) wheel. The projects they assigned me were things that they really needed to get done, and my work was immediately used in the business.
Reflecting on this during my last day there, my coworkers talked about their own internships in years past, with varying degrees of nostalgia. One woman had worked for a small PR firm and had enjoyed it since she got to work on everything. In contrast to her happy experience, a male employee remembered his internship as long hours sitting bored behind an information desk in San Francisco City Hall, doing nothing of any use.
With this fresh in my memory, I noticed a section in Whistleblowers that correlated. On page 117, Alford talks about thoughtlessness, and quotes one non-whistleblower defending an illegal activity in typical fashion. "...we might as well do it, because if we don't the company will find someone else who will." While it's probably true, this "logic" can be used to defend almost anything, up to and including the inevitable, Godwin's Law-triggering, Nazi concentration camp guard. The imaginary excuse goes something like, "If I hadn't shot the prisoner, my commander would have shot me and the prisoner. Why should I die when my death won't change anything?"
This same reasoning applies to whistleblowers too, and the fact that it's logically sound is the tricky part. That's why they call it "ethics," I suppose.
Nothing in my service work approached this level, of course, but the principle was similar. Alford stresses that thoughtlessness comes from a feeling that one's self or one's work is entirely replaceable, which leads to disassociation, commonly expressed in the popular, "Whatever." sentiment. Working at Ireuse, I knew I wasn't doing anything life-saving, but I wasn't just keeping a seat warm, either, and the feeling of being part of a team, and the intellectual stimulation of my tasks, made my time there pass far more quickly and enjoyably.
Reflecting on this during my last day there, my coworkers talked about their own internships in years past, with varying degrees of nostalgia. One woman had worked for a small PR firm and had enjoyed it since she got to work on everything. In contrast to her happy experience, a male employee remembered his internship as long hours sitting bored behind an information desk in San Francisco City Hall, doing nothing of any use.
With this fresh in my memory, I noticed a section in Whistleblowers that correlated. On page 117, Alford talks about thoughtlessness, and quotes one non-whistleblower defending an illegal activity in typical fashion. "...we might as well do it, because if we don't the company will find someone else who will." While it's probably true, this "logic" can be used to defend almost anything, up to and including the inevitable, Godwin's Law-triggering, Nazi concentration camp guard. The imaginary excuse goes something like, "If I hadn't shot the prisoner, my commander would have shot me and the prisoner. Why should I die when my death won't change anything?"
This same reasoning applies to whistleblowers too, and the fact that it's logically sound is the tricky part. That's why they call it "ethics," I suppose.
Nothing in my service work approached this level, of course, but the principle was similar. Alford stresses that thoughtlessness comes from a feeling that one's self or one's work is entirely replaceable, which leads to disassociation, commonly expressed in the popular, "Whatever." sentiment. Working at Ireuse, I knew I wasn't doing anything life-saving, but I wasn't just keeping a seat warm, either, and the feeling of being part of a team, and the intellectual stimulation of my tasks, made my time there pass far more quickly and enjoyably.
Monday, April 02, 2007
No more service?!?!
At the beginning of March I was hit with some very heavy news: I might not graduate because I had so much work to do on my thesis. I didn’t know if this was the 100% truth or if my research mentor was just telling me this to scare the bejesus out of me. Either way I was shocked to my core. She then asked me about my schedule. So I did the run down…12 credits, tutoring on campus, and service project at Davidson middle 5 days a week. That almost knocked her out of her seat. For some reason she heard 5 days a week and assumed I was locked in human servitude. I tried to convince her that my service at Davidson was the not the problem in getting started on my thesis (rather a lack of motivation), but she refused to hear it. In her opinion I had to quit, not just one or two days but ALL FIVE DAYS!
I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t bear to think about leaving Davidson. I wasn’t fazed by the fact that there was no regard for my service work and how it was also tied to my class work. I was just blown away by the simplest possibility that I had to leave. Until that moment I never realized how important my service there meant to me. I go there not because of a class requirement; if that was the case I wouldn’t show up five days a week. I go there because the kids in the afterschool program mean a lot to me. It means so much to them to have a consistent role model, someone they can bring their problems to, believe in and trust. I go there because I want to make a difference and I can see the changes I have already made. When my mentor told me to leave, I felt like someone had ripped out my spirit.
During the month, I missed a lot of time at Davidson because I was trying to appease my mentor in addition to going on graduate interviews. I finally returned four days ago and was in for a shock. A significant portion of the kids were disenchanted and a few had quit the program. I was sufficiently floored. I don’t credit my students’ progress to just myself, but a lot of them rely on me. For me not to be there for a month was a crime. That was it for me. I realized that I needed to be there.
I realize that I do need to spend time working on my thesis, but I need and want to be at DMS as well. I think it is important for us to realize that we are integral parts in the service projects we are working on. We may think that what we do may not have an impact, that our work doesn’t matter. But all you have to do is step back for a minute (or a month) and see what happens. You’ll be surprised what a difference a person can make. If you acknowledge it, it will only help you to further accomplish your goals. If you refuse to recognize it, then the opportunity to make a positive change will pass you by. Needless to say I am still doing my service work at Davidson Middle School – 3 days a week.
I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t bear to think about leaving Davidson. I wasn’t fazed by the fact that there was no regard for my service work and how it was also tied to my class work. I was just blown away by the simplest possibility that I had to leave. Until that moment I never realized how important my service there meant to me. I go there not because of a class requirement; if that was the case I wouldn’t show up five days a week. I go there because the kids in the afterschool program mean a lot to me. It means so much to them to have a consistent role model, someone they can bring their problems to, believe in and trust. I go there because I want to make a difference and I can see the changes I have already made. When my mentor told me to leave, I felt like someone had ripped out my spirit.
During the month, I missed a lot of time at Davidson because I was trying to appease my mentor in addition to going on graduate interviews. I finally returned four days ago and was in for a shock. A significant portion of the kids were disenchanted and a few had quit the program. I was sufficiently floored. I don’t credit my students’ progress to just myself, but a lot of them rely on me. For me not to be there for a month was a crime. That was it for me. I realized that I needed to be there.
I realize that I do need to spend time working on my thesis, but I need and want to be at DMS as well. I think it is important for us to realize that we are integral parts in the service projects we are working on. We may think that what we do may not have an impact, that our work doesn’t matter. But all you have to do is step back for a minute (or a month) and see what happens. You’ll be surprised what a difference a person can make. If you acknowledge it, it will only help you to further accomplish your goals. If you refuse to recognize it, then the opportunity to make a positive change will pass you by. Needless to say I am still doing my service work at Davidson Middle School – 3 days a week.
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