Today was my last day teaching at Davidson Middle School for Americorps. Because of STAR testing, the program has been cancelled for two weeks to give the students a break; then after the two weeks I will be graduating and returning home. While the other tutors will return to teach, I will be home…..I can say that I am glad for the change because it just means that I able to grow and learn from my experiences at DMS. However, I am truly sad to be leaving my students.
It was especially sad on today because all of my students kept hugging me and giving me cards they made to show their appreciation for me before I left. They even complimented me on everything that I did and everything I have done for them. One student told me that she tried especially hard on her last math exam to make me proud. I was very touched. It sounds kind of corny, but it was one of the sweetest things that anyone has ever done in my honor. I feel like I have really made an impact. Well, at least I thought I did.
The students told me that after I leave, they are not going to try any more. They aren’t going to try and behave or try and do their best because they feel like they can’t do it without me. They told me that they felt a bit disenchanted because they do not like the other tutor I work with and they cannot relate to her like they do to me. I guess in my zeal to do everything I could for the students, I didn’t realize how extreme this issue was. I always thought it was a petty rivalry between the tutor and the students; however, it was so extreme that today the students went out of their way to make her feel unwelcome and unappreciated. At the end of the day, she turned to me and said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t think I can come back. I feel like never coming back here again.”
This shocked me because I always thought of her as the tutor who couldn’t be cracked. I always thought of her as that educator who didn’t care what the kids threw at her, she just came right back. But it just went to show me that everyone has a limit. No matter how hard we try to educate and help and support, we can only be rejected so many times before we feel like we can’t make a change, that we aren’t appreciated. I never realized how damaging this could be until we had this conversation. Then I thought, what would it be like if everyone just gave up? If every educator was ignored and yelled at and disrespected and decided to be done with it? What would happen if they decided, “To hell with it,” picked up their stuff and left? What would our kids learn then…..They would learn defeat and lack of determination. They would learn how easy it is to give up. These are the easiest lessons to learn and yet some of the most damaging.
I guess it’s easy for me to say this because I am not in her position, but I think it takes a truly determined person to take all the attitude and obstacles that are thrown at them and continue to come back day after day. But it also takes a will to connect no matter what. As educators, I think it’s hard to find that middle ground because we are afraid that we might cross the line where we become too much of a friend who is able to connect on so many different levels, but loses control of authority; or we may become too much of an authoritarian figure and never know the best way to relate to our students. It’s hard for me to admit, but I think I am in the former category. I am just glad that I am able to take so much more from this service project that was originally intended.
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